I may not show it, but I have had my days.....

I know I am using humor to show that I am accepting this disease that I have been bestowed and that I am getting through it one laugh at a time.  Not that I think breast cancer is funny.....not at all.  But anyone who knows me has seen that anytime I can't think of a way to get up from a fall, I just laugh.  And believe me, I have been the one that trips and falls on a tiny thread in the carpet and then everyone sees me and laughs.  What do I do?  Laugh with them!!  I am a klutz, a dork, a loving human being and a down right biotch at times.....but I am human.  I have had many down days.  The first few days after the diagnosis, I was such a sorry sight.  Feeling so sorry for myself and not wanting people to feel sorry for me.  I was a mess.  I think it comes from questioning your own mortality.  I had NEVER had to worry about dying before.  And now here I was for the first time, wondering if I would see my kids grow up or grow old with my husband so that we could complain about the kids together!!!!  I know breast cancer treatment has come so far in so many years and that mortality rates are so much better.  I am praying to be one of those that makes it out as clean as a whistle.  But I would be lying if I said I was not worried about that.  But, I have a new understanding of life, a new understanding of people and a new understanding of why I have  bc. Does God want me to die?  Of course not!  Does God want me to wake up and smell the roses?  Damn right he does!  And that is exactly what bc has done for me.  I was so worried about doing this and doing that and buying this and getting a bigger house, and a nicer car, that I never stopped to realize how wonderful I have it right now!  I have a great husband, awesome kids, fabulous family & friends and I never realized how great I had it!!  But I do now!  God just doesn't want you to live life....he wants you to PARTICIPATE!!! And that is what I am going to do.  (((Maybe when I start chemo I won't be as punchy......tune in later for that!! LOL!))))