Less than 24 hours......

Well, tomorrow is the surgery and I am CRAZY nervous!!   It really hit me last night and it was tough trying to fall asleep.  My mind has 100 things on it and I have killed too many brain cells to have that many things on my mind!!

Today I go to the x-ray dept at Allen Hospital to get dye injected into my breast.  It is suppose to be so they can locate the lymph nodes during surgery and get a biopsy of them.  More needles…..YIKES!!  I guess I had better get use to them.

Last night my son Palmer asked me if I was going to die.  Talk about ripping your heart out with one question!!  I told him of course not.  Cuz remember, I am going to fight like Chuck!

I am trying to look on the bright side of things (no pun intended!) and I have decided there are 2 really good things about the surgery. 

1. NO more cancer in there.  Drives me crazy knowing it is there even.
2. I will finally get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep as my husband will not be waking me up with his “peel the paint off the wall” SNORING!!!  I haven’t slept 5 hours straight in YEARS!!!!

Surgery is at 7:30 am tomorrow at Allen Hospital in Waterloo.  I have to be there at 5:30.  And I can’t have my morning coffee.  I outta be in a great mood huh???  Poor Mike

Stay tuned to the blog....I will be absent for a few days but will return with a  vengeance I am sure!  Love you all!  Pray for me!  Hugs and kisses!

I’m Getting on my Soap Box Today

The hospital called, they already want a down payment on what is left over after insurance pays for the surgery and I can either give them a credit card over the phone, or we can drop a check off for the full amount or make payments on it.  Can we say CROCK of  SH**.  Sorry, but I am sure the hospital is going to get paid from me and I really don’t think they need to strap more stress to my already growing anxiety.  Really?  I am actually blessed to be a person that can pay for my healthcare.  I feel horrible for those people that cannot afford to have cancer…..and it’s probably 99% of people in this world.

NO-MORE / CAN-SIR

I kind of always wanted to get a boob lift, but knew I would never spend the money to do it.  So if I can give kudos to the BC, then I guess I would say at least I get a new rack!!  It may not be the conventional way I would have wanted them, and I am positive they will not look super sexy (like a complete lift that reeks of vanity and perkiness; or what I would pull my shirt up for so people could admire them; or going bra-less so everyone knows I had work done)  NO, they will not be any of those things but I will be smaller which I am in complete favor of.  (Can you hear the men shouting at their computers right now?  NOOOOOOOO!  Not smaller they are saying!! HA!!)  I may even be able to wear a t-shirt and see my belt buckle…something I haven’t done for YEARS!!  And it may take me months to get to where they are a somewhat even match, but I am on my way to a boob job, even if it’s not the conventional one (and I don’t have to pay for the whole thing, my insurance does!! WOOT, WOOT!!)

I have even named my breasts.  My left is called NO-MORE and the right is called CAN-SIR.  Can-sir will be gone and No-more will be smaller.  I think the names are French for “Get the Hell out of here” and “You are too big, now reduce yourself”…..but I am not sure, I don’t study French.

I Give Til it Hurts.....

I have a Kindle (which I LOVE!!!) and have downloaded some books about BC.  I even downloaded one for my hubby Mike so he could read it while I am in surgery and he is in the waiting room.  Yes, I am a loving, unselfish wife, always thinking of others…..(hee, hee) anyway, I downloaded him a book that is written by a husband whose wife had/has breast cancer.  I have not read it yet and I won’t read it until Mike does.  I want him to get  a point of view that is not from me.  He said the other day, “Why do I need to read up on it, I can get all my info from you.” Typical response and one I was expecting because:

A.) He thinks I am a GENIUS (I have him fooled…..shhhhhhh)

and

B.) He doesn’t really want to read a book about a guy whose wife had/has breast cancer.  What a Debbie Downer to read huh?  Too bad, poor baby, and I am going to make him, ‘nuff said.

I have also been reading a book. It’s actually a funny blog that a lady wrote when she had bc and then published it for Kindle readers.  It is hysterical.  I have actually Laughed Out Loud several times. She said that when she lost her hair during chemo, that her husband got dandruff.  If you are wondering how he got dandruff this is how.  Once she lost her hair, she stopped buying shampoo and only bought her little kids their baby shampoo.  Instead of using the baby shampoo (cuz it’s for babies he said--- LOL!) he instead opted for Dawn dishwashing soap (I am snickering as I write this, it cracks me up for some reason!) So he got dandruff from his dry, dry scalp and using dish soap on it.  She wrote in her blog…..”Did I feel sorry for him?  Hell no!!!  At least he had hair to get dandruff in.  And are his legs broken? He can go buy his own damn shampoo at the store!”  That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time!!  So I am not just reading about sad stuff and surgical or medical stuff….I am reading funny, funny stuff!!  Cuz you can’t have too much funny in your life!!!!

I may not show it, but I have had my days.....

I know I am using humor to show that I am accepting this disease that I have been bestowed and that I am getting through it one laugh at a time.  Not that I think breast cancer is funny.....not at all.  But anyone who knows me has seen that anytime I can't think of a way to get up from a fall, I just laugh.  And believe me, I have been the one that trips and falls on a tiny thread in the carpet and then everyone sees me and laughs.  What do I do?  Laugh with them!!  I am a klutz, a dork, a loving human being and a down right biotch at times.....but I am human.  I have had many down days.  The first few days after the diagnosis, I was such a sorry sight.  Feeling so sorry for myself and not wanting people to feel sorry for me.  I was a mess.  I think it comes from questioning your own mortality.  I had NEVER had to worry about dying before.  And now here I was for the first time, wondering if I would see my kids grow up or grow old with my husband so that we could complain about the kids together!!!!  I know breast cancer treatment has come so far in so many years and that mortality rates are so much better.  I am praying to be one of those that makes it out as clean as a whistle.  But I would be lying if I said I was not worried about that.  But, I have a new understanding of life, a new understanding of people and a new understanding of why I have  bc. Does God want me to die?  Of course not!  Does God want me to wake up and smell the roses?  Damn right he does!  And that is exactly what bc has done for me.  I was so worried about doing this and doing that and buying this and getting a bigger house, and a nicer car, that I never stopped to realize how wonderful I have it right now!  I have a great husband, awesome kids, fabulous family & friends and I never realized how great I had it!!  But I do now!  God just doesn't want you to live life....he wants you to PARTICIPATE!!! And that is what I am going to do.  (((Maybe when I start chemo I won't be as punchy......tune in later for that!! LOL!))))

SNOW!!! NO!!!!

Doesn't it just figure that when I get close to having to travel to Waterloo for doctor appointments that the snow would start flying!!!   Tomorrow I have a physical with my OB/GYN and then have to meet with the plastic surgeon.  I wish I were meeting my plastic surgeon for botox instead!  LOL!!  Maybe I will be able to establish a good repoire with him and can get a HUGE discount on lipo and fillers for the future!!  That would be stupendous but I am not going to hold my breath that will happen!

I can tell I am reading way to much stuff and getting myself really pysched up for the surgery and post surgery chemo, etc.  I am staying with my mom so that my little girl won't have the urge to come and jump on her mommy....something that both makes me laugh and cry at the same time.  I will miss my children horribly during the healing time.  But I know I need to take it easy and get well for them as soon as possible.  I don't plan on being away from them or my husband too long, just a few days after surgery.  I hope to get lots of rest and be pampered by Judy's awesome cooking and mothering!! 

I was shopping for hats the other day and have them reserved in the shopping cart for that first follicle to fall!!  As soon as it does, those hats are on their way.  I have a huge mole on the top of my head and I am shuddering to think of how far it will stick out with a shaved head.  See I am still majorly VAIN....I probably better get over that!! HA!!!

I'm BAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!

My last HURRAH in Vegas was a fun time, but I was ready to come home.  5 days in Vegas is way too long, and I REALLY missed my children!   They had a Sex in the City slot machine that was WAY too fun and interactive.  Those darn gambling and hotel executives are way too clever….they know how to get a girl to gamble…..just see if she can win money by SHOPPING!!!  Those bastards!  Anyway, it took my mind off the surgery and actually the whole process for a while so it was a nice interruption. 

Surgery is less than 2 weeks away and I can say I am not nervous yet.  (Remember, I am a procrastinator so even my feelings come out later than I would expect!)  I have had lots of great people contact me via facebook, cards, email, cell phone, texts and I just want to let everyone know that I WILL respond to everyone, but I am going to wait until I am bored in bed healing and have lots of time on my hands!!   I am just really ready to get this damn cancer out of me! 

As I was writing this blog, I realized I never said exactly what my breast cancer is.  I have invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 3 (NOT stage III, that will come later).  Invasive means that the cancer has “invaded” or spread to the surrounding breast tissues. Ductal means that the cancer began in the milk ducts, which are the “pipes” that carry milk from the milk-producing lobules to the nipple. Carcinoma refers to any cancer that begins in the skin or other tissues that cover internal organs — such as breast tissue. All together, “invasive ductal carcinoma” refers to cancer that has broken through the wall of the milk duct and begun to invade the tissues of the breast. Over time, invasive ductal carcinoma can spread to the lymph nodes and possibly to other areas of the body.  It is the most common type of breast cancer, 80% of breast cancer diagnosis is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  The grade 3 means that it is a more aggressive growing tumor than a grade 1 or 2.  The tumor is 1.5 cm so it's small and it was caught early!  Thank you Jesus for that reminder letter from my OB/GYN that told me to have that mammogram!!

The Dreaded Drains....Preparing for the Surgery

I ran across this while I was doing some of my random research to prepare for my mastectomy.  My friend Kristi Myers had these drains and she did fabulous with them….me, I am not so sure…..read on and see what I mean:

During surgery drains will be placed in each breast and will remain there for approximately 1-2 weeks (times vary per individual).  During your stay at the hospital, your nurses will clean your drains and measure their output.  You will have to care for them at home.   Ask your doctor or nurse practitioner to explain how to care for your drains before you have your surgery. 

Also, your drains can become a nuisance just hanging in your shirt.  Your nurse may pin them to your bra or shirt but you may also want to try hanging them from a landyard around your neck (those annoying shoe-string ID holders from conventions work great and can go in the shower) I THINK I WILL PASS ON WEARING MINE AROUND MY NECK. EWWWWW or in a fanny pack. I WON’T WEAR A FANNY PACK TO ADVENTURELAND, LET ALONE TO HOUSE MY DRAINS.  You can also order hospital gowns or shirts that have pockets just for mastectomy drains. US AMERICANS HAVE EVERYTHING…..MY OWN POCKETED SHIRT FOR MY DRAINS…IT’S LIKE CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN!!

Big or Small, Save Them All!!

I get a chuckle out of that saying.  Mainly because my friend Jim Titus always use to say, “Big or small, I like them all”.  Always made me laugh.   That is just my random thought for the day, so now on to other topics. 

I have been humbled and over-joyed by the amount of support I have received from all my friends and family.  You have all made me feel very loved and I thank you for that.  I will not go through this alone, even though I know there are days when I will WANT to just be alone.  My poor husband…..some days I don’t think he knows whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.   I have him up and down all the time with my constant chatter about this and that and what will happen and how this will go and how that will go.  So he of all people will probably be thankful for this blog.  I get to express what he has probably heard many, many times.  He is very supportive though and would let me chew  his ear off if I had to!  And I am making him shoot pink shotgun shells this year for Trapshooting.  The guy must really love me!!!

Fight Like A Girl? Well I was hoping for more like…..Walker, Texas Ranger – CHUCK NORRIS.

If  I am going to put up a fight, it will be a professional one….that’s just how I roll.  Not that I think girls are weak…not at all.  I just think Walker, Texas Ranger has a finely honed craft, and I want to be like that.   And he works out on the Total Gym, so you gotta admire that (and at his age, he looks pretty darned good I might add).  So yeah, I am going to fight like Chuck.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars........

I just love this song, thought I would share it.  So here is a little snip-it of it...........

http://social.zune.net/bingplayer/?v=1.0#mid=63116D00-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&title=Chasing%20Cars&artist=Snow%20Patrol&album=Eyes%20Open&artistid=18270500-0600-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&albumid=5D116D00-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&dto=1&preview=0&explicit=0&lyrics=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fmusic%2Flyrics%2Fdetail%3Fq%3DSnow%2520Patrol%2520Chasing%2520Cars%26songID%3D63116D00-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933%26lyricsID%3D8801764%26albumID%3D5D116D00-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933%26artistID%3D18270500-0600-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933%26pc%3DLRFD%26form%3DDTPMUZ

Go Get Your Mammies Grammed!!!

For those of you who are my age or older, these are words to live by.  I GUARANTEE that my cancer would not have been found had it not been for a routine mammogram (my first actually!)  Yes, it’s unpleasant and weird, but SOOOOO worth it!! Trust me my fellow lovely-chested wonders, you will thank me in the long run!

Me Afraid?......Ok, maybe a little

I am a real weiner when it comes to pain.  I don’t like the “stingy” effect that a paper cut gives, let alone a scalpel cut.  They had to completely drug me with pain numbing numbness when I had my kids.... that’s my tolerance for pain.  So needless to say I am not looking forward to the surgery.  But, I do have the pain killers if I need them so that gives me some relief!  I just hope I don’t blog while I have taken a few of them…..I am sure there would be a lot of TMI if I do that…..so don’t drug and blog Laurie!!!

Genetic Testing

My genetic testing came back negative which is good news, since that would have meant they would have recommended taking both breasts in a double mastectomy.  So it's just a single mastectomy with reconstruction.  On Jan 31st they will take my right breast, check the lymph nodes and do a reduction and lift to my left breast.  They will put a tissue expander in my right breast which they will fill with saline to stretch the skin.  I will be a human balloon!!   Should be about a 5-6 hour surgery and will probably have to stay overnight.  Then we will let the healing begin! 

Now Reality Sets In...........

I went back to the doctor (my breast surgeon) to get everything scheduled and to get this damn cancer out of me.  (that's what I like to call it....that damn cancer)  Makes me feel good when I call it that.  Anyway, after numerous phone calls to all sorts of people (plastic surgeon -- for my new ta ta's!) and the operating room, the anesthesiologist...etc.  There are a ton of people involved, so the earliest I could do it was Jan 31st.  My mom's b-day....Happy Birthday mom!  You gain a year in age and your daughter loses a boob.  HA!  Sorry, that was mean.  So I am so glad that all is scheduled. I won't know about the schedule of chemo until after the surgery, but I do know I have to have it.  So I just sit here and wait.  And read forums.  And go to cancer websites.  And look up effects of chemo.  And look at hat, wigs, turbans.  Ok, it drives me crazy sitting and waiting.  And hey some of those hats and turbans are cute!! I might just have to bring TURBANS back in STYLE!  You just wait!!  I can be just as funky with hats as I can with hairpieces so STAY TUNED!!!

Mike and I are going to Vegas this weekend and part of next week....my last HURRAH before surgery and chemo - can't wait!

Imagine My Surprise......

Like 99.9% of women, I was scheduled to have a routine mammogram for my 40th year.  Well, the procrastinator that I am....I had to wait, cuz I was pregnant.  (Yes I procrastinate with marriage and children too)  As I was sitting in my office at work looking at the calendar and thinking, "I should really schedule that mammogram sometime....Hadley is 1 year old now and I have procrastinated long enough"  So I made the appt and had it.  Then they called me back again for another one and an ultrasound.  Lots of people were telling me....oh they did the same thing to me, nothing to worry about.  Ok......then they called me in again for a biopsy.  Again, lots of people.....oh that is just routine, they saw something now they have to check it out.  Probably just a fibrous cyst or mass.  (Yikes....what the hell are those???)  Don't worry it will be fine.  The doctor's office called and said the dr. would like to see you on Friday, Dec 16.  My first thought:  Why does he have to see me, can't he tell me you are fine over the phone?  I really thought I would be just fine.  Imagine my surprise when he told me I had breast cancer.  I cried like a little baby .....sobbed, wretched, loud, earth shattering sobs.  I couldn't stop myself.  All day.  Shortly after the news, I wasn't sure what to do (other than cry) and they scheduled me for an MRI.  I was alone as I chose to go by myself in case it was bad news.  Didn't want anyone to see me crying cuz I am a big bad lady who is brave and not scared.....yeah right!  (I just didn't want anyone to see the sobbing marathon!)  So I go to the MRI and crying I put my face into the little holder while the twins dangle in the wind.  They put me in the machine and I swear I could hear laughing (that thing is sooooo loud!) and then I could hear the drumming of the words, DIE!  DIE! DIE!!  It was so disturbing, yet funny at the same time.  Like I was really hearing the words DIE!  I was however just trying to get through it, so if that was humorous to me, then so be it.  I text my husband and a friend and to let them know the news.  Not my favorite way to communicate the bc but I had to go the MRI and could not be on my phone, so it was fast and easy.  I felt bad for them cuz they had been waiting for good news and I gave them bad news and didn't get to respond back to them....I would have HATED that if I were in their shoes!  So finally the MRI is over and I go to my car in a fog and cry some more.  Then I just decided to call everyone and let them know the news.  My good friend Kristi Myers was just diagnosed with bc a few months before so I called her to tell her we would be wig buddies.....most were shocked but who wouldn't be.  I am just glad that I had the nerve to call everyone and just get it over with.   It was actually therapeutic.  Now to concentrate on getting WELL!!!