My heart hurts......

Big challenges they say can either bring you closer together or tear you apart and that seems to be what happens sometimes with a cancer diagnosis. It's not easy on anyone in a family.  And now I am almost divorced.  My heart is heavy.  I believe I am still in the grieving stage.  I have moved back to my old house and share my daughter 50% of the time with her dad.  It's not ideal, but it will have to work.  I am angry too.  How can someone give up on you when you need them most?  I am not saying that I didn't have my issues and I didn't struggle with trying to be a good wife.  There were times when I was a downright shitty wife.  I let depression consume me and tried to sweep it all away under a rug where no one could see it and I made MANY mistakes.  I own those mistakes in this present day.  But it still doesn't hurt any less.  But I want to move forward and hopefully Father Time is on my side.  Each day I hope the pain is less, the laughter is more and the love for my children is out of this world.  I know I will be ok, but the band-aid gets ripped off daily.  Maybe one day there will be just a tiny scar that Mederma can fix!  Love until your heart is bursting.  Even yourself.

I thought I would share for those of you who may be going through the same chemo I went through so that you might know what to expect.  I know I read a lot of stuff that scared the crap out of me, and some stuff that was helpful….let’s hope it’s the latter for you. You can do it, I know you can…much love…Laurie

Out of interest, I just revisited a list of common AC Chemo (remember, they call the C chemo “the red devil”)  side effects to see how I fared overall:

1.           High risk of fever/infection:   I honestly don’t remember taking my temperature ever.  I know sometimes I felt like I may have had a temp, but nothing horrible.  I did not get an infection (that I know of!!!)

2.           Nausea and vomiting:  I did vomit a few times….I am a puker though. So that might just be me.  I have a weak stomach.  Nausea ---- I had it a lot, especially when I couldn’t taste the things I ate and it made me feel sick.  Obviously the chemo made me nauseous and the drugs did help that they give you, but taking meds makes me nauseous!  I am probably not a good example for this one!!!

3.           Fatigue:   I always came home and slept after each treatment.  I was exhausted and a little sicky poo…especially 24 hours after treatment.  I always took Thurs and Friday (treatment day and day after treatment off because I just couldn’t work)

4.           Hair loss:  I lost my head hair, leg, hair and pubic hair.  My eyebrows and eyelashes really thinned out and then I pretty much lost those during the Taxol treatments.  My skin felt like a baby’s bottom though….brand new.  It’s like a toxic facial!

5.           Mouth ulcers:    Never had one

6.           Loss of appetite:  Not very much, but I ate to taste something and after a while I couldn’t taste and that was annoying so I just kept eating!   I know…what?  It’s hard to explain if you haven’t been through it, but I just wanted to taste SOMETHING and couldn’t!

7.           Weight gain:  I gained a TON of weight….bloating from steroids and comfort foods.  People didn’t recognize me.

8.           Neuropathy:  My hands had a hard time gripping. I fell out of Mike’s truck one time because I didn’t have the strength to hold onto the “oh shit bar” that keeps you from falling out.

9.           Increased bruising:  I had a big butt bruise from falling out of Mike’s truck

10.        Nail changes:  None

11.        Stopping of periods/premature menopause:   Went through premature menopause and the hot flashes and everything and it sucked!!!  But I am better now post-chemo (almost 3  years now)

So hope my sharing will help anyone that is scared shitless….it’s not that bad and I am a big baby.  I am 3 years post chemo and I know things get better.  I am an example of this and you will be too!!!

I found a great article...not written by me

I haven't posted for a while cuz nothing really new has happened in my world, health-wise, but I came upon this article written by Denise McCroskey who is going thru what I already went through.  It brought back some memories!  It is the exact chemo that I had.

Why whining is necessary during Adriamycin Cytoxan A/C Chemo and goodbye to side effects

A friend sent me a Facebook message that she had not heard me whining about chemo in awhile and hoped that meant I was doing better.  Well, at first I found it difficult to believe she had said that, then, in her defense, I realized it does sound like whining to those who have never been through Chemotherapy. But I am utterly and totally convinced that it is not possible to complete Chemotherapy without complaint.   But first I had to look up the definition of “whining” which is “to complain or protest in a childish fashion.” I think we need a different word besides whining.  If torture is being inflicted on a POW, if they cry out in pain, do you call it whining?   If a hostage is injected with  poisons and they complain as they don’t know if they will live or die, do you call it whining.   I think not.   The pink ribbons have really lessened the battle that goes on by Breast Cancer patients.   Pink denotes a comfortable warm and fuzzy feeling, and a ribbon is such a nice thing that you wrap on presents.  How can there possibly be a battle to fight with all that pink? The funny thing is, Adriamycin Cytoxan is a pinkish red.  Maybe that is how they came up with the pink campaign.   This drug is extremely toxic.

My Chemo Nurse told me they do not call it “red death” and “red devil” for nothing.  It can only be administered by hand into a vein, most often through a port, not an artery.  It can cause permanent heart damage, not to mention many serious side effects.   It is used to treat many forms of cancer, but can only be administered by a specially trained Chemotherapy Nurse in cap, gown and gloves by injection.  My dosage was four HUGE tubes each time.   It is so toxic you can only have it for so many rounds once in a lifetime.     And they warn you to flush your toilet not once, but twice or three times with the lid down and to wash your hands for 45 seconds during and after infusion.

But right now, it is the best weapon against Breast Cancer, it so often does its job, and we have to tolerate it until something better comes along!    For that I am grateful. 

We all know a few over-achiever chemotherapy patients who continued to work full time, go to school for their PhD, travel to Europe, run 5Ks, take care of 8 kids, and write a novel while undergoing chemotherapy.  They ruin it for the rest of us who are trying to just make it day to day. But in my case, I am through with Adriamycin Cytoxan which was administered “dose dense” which means every 2 weeks.  I am grateful that I was able to receive the drug and thankful for all the cancer cells it killed in my body.  I have Taxol to contend with for 12 weeks, but for now I am saying goodbye to the following side effects from Adriamycin Cytoxan.

These are MY experiences.  Some people breeze through AC with little or no side effects, and some people have more!  Often the younger you are, the better you make it through.  Certainly, there are exceptions to this. My experience:  Losing my hair strand by strand, losing my feminity and the ability to feel pretty, dark circles and thinning skin under my eyes, skin that has aged, not sleeping, debilitating mouth sores, horrific and constant nausea, inability to think of any food or watch food commercials on television, inability to move off the couch for a week at a time or more, neuropathy in hands and feet, bleeding hemorrhoids, metal taste in my mouth, extreme  and debilitating fatigue,  Chemo brain and mental confusion,  severe bone and muscle pain, weakness in knees, low blood counts which necessitate having to be a prisoner in  your own home, necessity to take steroids and not lose any weight even though you can’t eat, bloody noses, helplessness, loss of independence, severe heart palpitations, frequent urination 5 or 6 times during the night, severe hot flashes every 15 minutes, increased menopausal or chemopausal symptoms,  being severely out of breath because of low red blood cells, inability to even walk to the mail box, depression, chronic cough and mucusitis, horrific heartburn, blurry vision, twitching eyes, inability to wear contact lenses, inability to do simple tasks, inability to work and loss of income, loss of identity, inability to care for others, and the list goes on.  (Update:  6 months later I learned I had a heart attack during Adriamycin…I remember the night well, but thought it was side effects.  If you have ANYTHING that mimics heart symptoms, get to the hospital NOW!)

The effects of chemotherapy last over 2 years in your body once you are through it. So think before you ever accuse a Cancer Patient of whining.   Please do not say that word to them. If you are awaiting Adriamycin Cytoxan, you will get through it.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  It will get better.  Live one day at a time or one hour at a time is even better.   And don’t listen to those who tell you to “stay positive” in the midst of it.  Some days you just cannot “feel” positive.   Put yourself first.  You will be a heroine when you are done.  You do not have to be heroic now.

And if you have been through Adriamycin Cytoxan, you know exactly what I mean.  No other words need to be spoken.  It is in the past, but it will never be forgotten. 

My 3 year Birthday!!!

No, it's not really my birthday.  But 3 years ago today I found out I had breast cancer.  So it is KIND of a re-birth when I am getting closer to that 5 year mark!!!  I had a stomach virus last week (horrid, won't give details to spare everyone) and this week I had a bacterial virus that knocked me out.  Talk about fatigue!!  I was reminded of the past chemo days and that is not something I wanted to re-live.  But I am happy to report that I am about 98.9% feeling tip top!!!  Thankful that I work for my family and could take some days off to rest and just try to get better.  On the down side I am in panic mode for Christmas!!  I literally only have 1/3 of my shopping done!!!  But my husband is taking me tomorrow without the kids and hopefully we can get a lot done.  Going shopping with my husband is like going hunting with the DNR, but hey...beggars cannot be choosers!

I don't get headaches....I give them.

I forgot to mention at my last oncologist appointment Dr Yoda asked me if I had any abnormal pains, back, kidney, head ache?  I told him, "I don't get headaches, I give them."  He chuckled (which is rare, he doesn't get my humor) and asked me what I did for a living.  I told him I sold ammunition and reloading supplies. He was surprised by that and said, "oh, I thought you were a lawyer!"  In the words of Pretty Woman, the movie....do I have that sharp, useless look about me that he would think I am a lawyer???  Stranger things have happened.

Good as Gold!

Got my 3 month check up last Monday and I was as good as gold!  Well since the price of gold always fluctuates, let's just say I am better than gold this time!  Like cancer, things do fluctuate so I take it one day at a time and am thankful for good check ups.  I now have a check-up every 6 months which is huge in the cancer world!  I did get a flu shot while I was there and I am not going to lie....they put me in the chemo room to get my shot and it was like deja vu....and I was not so sure I was not going to have a slight panic attack.  The same sights and smells...people getting chemo or blood transfusions or dialysis.  All that came back and smacked me in the face.  The same nurses that I once relied on to take care of me were there and asking how I was doing.  Thank goodness the flu shot did not last long or I would have been a mess. Pretty sure that is why it scares the CRAP out of me that I might one day have to do it again.  God willing, I won't need to and being positive and praying are my go-to's on any given day.  So each day I get closer to that 5 year mark and breath a little better and hold tight to my family and friends.  Live and love each day to the fullest my friends!

Happy 4th Birthday to our little princess Hadley.  She was so excited to get Baby Alive (now she can change it's dirty diaper and she is excited about this????)  I am sure that will not last long!!  And she also got her very own princess bike with training wheels.  She was already riding it around the house and has totally figured out the brakes.  I am sure I will be wiping up tread marks on my hardwood floor...but hey, they are only little once right???  We are having a birthday party for her tonight since yesterday was her b-day and she had tumbling last night.  Did I mention she loves tumbling and practices on her bed before bedtime?  Good thing we didn't spring for that super awesome expensive mattress and we chose one that we she can bounce all over for a fraction of the price!

Palmer has been sick on and off for a good 8-10 weeks now and has missed quite a bit of school. When he came home last Thursday sick again and missing all the fun Homecoming activities I knew something was wrong.  We took him to the see the doctor on Friday and he had a blood test.  On Monday  we got the results and the poor kid has mono.  So that ends his football season and he is out of school and all activities for this week.  He can't even go to his sister's birthday party.  He has to rest completely and take in lots of fluids.  When you get mono your spleen is enlarged so it's a bit dangerous to be in sports.  And the fatigue wipes you out so he needs plenty of rest and TLC.....which won't be a problem for me --- if he lets me!

Hadley......*sigh*

Hadley 3-4 year old preschool 2014