Smells Like Football Games & Bonfires.....

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this time of year.  Always have.  Going to football games and chatting with friends. Drinking a cold beverage with gloves on but yet not too cold that you can't stand it.  The leaves are turning, and it's beautiful out.  These are the days I live for!!  I am feeling so much better from my respiratory problems that it's like a re-birth for me!  So excited to have the weekend in front of me.  I am probably going to make it to that Bacheloretter Party this weekend, although I am packing lots of water....I know, I am a Debbie Downer but I do not want to take ANY chances of a relapse!!!  It will be fun just to socialize.  I remember not too long ago that I just wanted to hide in my house and not see anyone so I feel like it's a big step for me to get out around a huge group of people.  But I am looking forward to it, rather than having panic attacks about it....huge turn-around for me!! 

Mike is busy farming so the kids and I have been hanging out.  Palmer has started to aggrevate Hadley instead of her hanging on his every move...I think he doesn't like that one bit!!  I think it's funny!  They are my entertainment.  My baby turns 2 on Oct 13th......can't believe she is getting to be such a big girl.  Here's a pic of the both of them when Palmer had "nerd day" at school:

Why do I always JINX myself????

Remind me to keep my mouth closed so I don't jinx myself!  I KNOW how super crazy and superstitious I am, so WHY would I say that I am perfectly fine???  Cuz last week I developed nasty sinus infection that moved to my chest and has now given me walking pneumonia.  I feel like A$$.  And it feels like it's never going away.  I can't hardly swallow, eat, sleep or anything because of the congestion in both my chest and nose.  I have not been able to smell anything in 6 days, which is good and bad I guess!!  I have a really good antibiotic though, so hopefully I am on the mend.  I have to miss a super fun bachelorette party this weekend though so I can recuperate and keep on my meds (no partying on those meds!!) and I am really bummed about it.  But I really need to start to feel better.  So Brittany and Brady...have fun at your parties...I really wanted to be there as I know it would have been a blast.  But I will redeem myself at the wedding reception!!!

Appears to be nothing wrong with me....

I am happy to report that other than mental angst, I am perfectly healthy!  I got my stitches out yesterday and the "almost" twins look so nice and are feeling much better.  They are so much smaller!!!  I can't believe what a difference it makes in shirts and sweaters.  But I am very happy with the out-come and feel much more like a "girl" now.  (Not Frankenstein!)

Still waiting for my hair to grow in so I have been wearing berets with a 1/2 wig.   It's kind of a "thing" for me right now. Not quite as hot and a bit more comfy than a full wig.  Plus I look like so Bob Marley-ish.  Mike makes fun of me but that's ok.  Here is my Hawkeye, Bob Marley look:

The new me.....

I got a raving review from my plastic surgeon.... that I am healing nicely and all looks good. The loose skin is a "good thing" as my other boob is normally loose and not saline hard, so he wanted both of them to match as closely as possible.  I will say they are both jiggly and feel pretty real, especially the one that is not real.  At 42 I don't really need my boobs to be at my neckline so I am pretty happy with the results.  They will never look or feel the same as they use to, but I am ok with that cuz I get to see my kids grow up.

Don't take those eyelashes for granted!!!

I am slowly getting back to normal (or what was mostly normal for me).  My eyebrows are coming along beautifully, my hair is coming in nice and thick...still really short and no bangs, but nice and thick.  Also my hair is a nice mouse fur color right now, but I can live with it so far.  My body is healing up from the chemo and now I look like I have a french manicure as all the poison "white" lines in my fingernails have traveled all the way to the tips of my fingernails....it's the strangest thing I have ever seen!  I go see my plastic surgeon today to get the drain out hopefully so I can soon start wearing REAL bras!  I can't wait for that!  But I must say, my poor eyelashes really took a beating.  The bottoms ones are fine...I  never really lost those.  But my top lashes look like someone killed a spider by stepping on it and then harvested the crooked, broken legs of that spider for an eyelash transplant for me.  No matter how I try to curl or apply mascara, those stupid lashes go all over the place and clump together.  It's the ugliest thing I have seen!  And trying to seperate the lashes, only makes them look worse....so for now I will live with the dead spider legs on my eyes.  I will wear falseys now and then but hopefully it gets better soon.  I need my lashes back to normal!

Rougher than I thought.....

I thought I would be down a couple of days healing with my wounds but I was wrong...(I know, mark it on your calendar...Laurie was wrong!)  I was pretty sore and not feeling the greatest even this weekend.  I felt like I had the flu....mixed in with falling down on the highway and getting major road rash on my chest....that is how it feels.  Kinda stingy!  But I have been a major loafer at home and caught up on all my crazy reality shows.....I know, I am a reality junky and I hate it!!!  My guilty pleasure!  But back to work today as I am feeling a lot better.  Thursday I go to the doctor and hopefully get out this DRAIN!!  I know....the dreaded drains...hate them with a passion, but of course everyone knows how much I hate those drains.  But I should be thankful for only having 1 drain this time instead of 2.  And I have been able to be my own nurse-maid and haven't really had to rely on anyone else which is a huge goal of mine.  I am so tired of being the patient!!! 

I must say that the twins are not really twins anymore, but I do like to call them that, they are fraternal twins now though, and not identical!  HA!  They are a nice smaller size and something I think I can work with.  I do have some extra skin on the implant side so I am going to have to ask how that is going to work out.  That extra skin causing chafing...and you know I can't stand chafing!!!  Even the word grosses me out!!  I thought maybe they would be a bit higher or "lifted" but they aren't really. They actually look pretty normal with a bra on.  I know...TMI (too much information Laurie!)  I will post a nice pic of Mike and I when I can wear a regular bra in a decent shirt so everyone can actually see that I am not Frankenstein!!  Oh and my port is GONE!!   Hallelujah!!!!

Surgery Day

In about a half hour Mike and I will be leaving to go check in at the hospital for my out-patient surgery.  We came into work to tie up a few loose ends since I will be gone a couple days (and so I don't eat and snack at home!!! I have to fast right now...boo!)  I am a bit nervous.  Today I will get my expander out and my new silicone implant put in...size C (ahhhh just the right size for me!) and then I will get my other breast fixed since it never really healed right.  He is going to cut some skin out and make it look all snazzy.  I hope he does cuz it looks yucky right now.  I am sure that part will hurt and will continue to hurt/heal the most.  Then lastly, I get my port out which is where they put the chemo to my veins.  I am sure that will hurt also as it is still a bit sensitive.  3 incisions to heal from, hopefully it goes fast and I can get some narcotic nap time!!  See you in a few days!

Nice Long Weekend....ahhhhhh

It was a nice relaxing weekend.  Hadley and I spent time playing for most of it.  She is quite an entertainer!!!  Some of the things that come out of her mouth are so much like me!!  Scary!!!  I am trying to get as much of holding her as I can, as I cannot lift her for 4 whole weeks after surgery!!!  I am so bummed.  Palmer the sweetheart that he is said he would help out with it.  And she loves her big bro Palmer!!! 

Palmer has his first football game on Sunday the 9th.  I hope I am feeling ok to go to it and sit.  I hate missing his games.  He also has his first dance on Friday.  I am officially a mom that has a son that is going to a real school dance.  Wow!!!! (Even though all of my friends from high school have children that have gotten married, or are going off to college this year, or getting their senior pics taken!!  I had my kids a bit later in life!!!)

Tomorrow is surgery and I am a bit nervous, but just more ready to get everything over with and healed up.  That would put me at "finished" and I can cross everything off my list that I needed to do for breast cancer.  Ahhhhhhh! (oh except maybe the nipple tattoo, if I decide to have it!)

9 MORE DAYS TO NEW BOOBIES!!

Tomorrow I go in for my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon to have him check me out and finalize plans for surgery.  I soooooo wish I were getting a tummy tuck, neck and face lift at the same time, but us beggers cannot be choosers.  One recovery from all that Face Fab would have been nice, but I will take the new breasts for now.  I am so tired of this expander!!! It's rock hard and feels so strange. I can tell the skin has stretched as I now have ample skin on the side that rubs against my armpit.  And it's so disgusting and makes my armpit chafed.  And I hate the word chafed!!!  Yuck!  But only 9 more days...bring on the pain!  No pain, no gain!

I am starting to feel so much better.  Each day I am less fatigued.  I still have major muscle stiffness and soreness though.  That sucks.  I try to blame it on the cancer treatments but I might be forced to just chalk it up to age.....no, not quite yet!

Photos

My bad-ass baby!!!

Weight Loss.....URGHHHHH

I decided since I had gained quite a bit of weight during treatment (and since I could no longer blame it on chemo or the steroids!!!) that I should try to lose some weight.  Being over weight and inactive (among other things) aids in getting breast cancer....so they say.  But for my own sanity I have been on weight watchers for the past 5 weeks.  I am happy to report I have lost a total of 9.4 lbs.  I feel better already and have given myself a healthy goal and plenty of time to do it in (a year!!)  Thank goodness for mobile apps too as they can tell you everything about what goes into your mouth and if you want to eat it - or as I say "is it points worthy"?  Weight watchers gives you an allocation of points for you to consume each day and if you stay within that range you lose weight.  So it's pretty cut and dry and it really does work.  But I sure do miss my big bowls of icecream at night!!

Tonight is Palmer's Open House for his first year in 6th grade over at Hubbard.  He gets to meet his teachers and find his classrooms and locker and drop off his stuff.  He has already called me three times and it's not even noon yet.  He is so excited I think he might pee his pants.  But that's a good thing.

In Remission.......

I don't want to jinx myself, cuz you know how I feel about that...everytime I say something is good news sometimes turns around on me, so I want to be careful....maybe that's called superstition?  Who knows.  I do know that when speaking with my oncologist yesterday they "think" and are "pretty sure" they got the cancer that was inside of me.  So I am considering that remission and I am going to call myself cancer free...please no jinx!!!!

Since I have TNBC (triple negative breast cancer) I do not respond to any long term drugs such as hormone therapy or tamoxafin.  Chemo and radiation are the only things that work on my type of breast cancer.  Those with hormone positive receptors can continue their treatment past chemo and radiation.  They take a pill that can keep treating them.  I cannot do chemo for the next 5 years (and thank goodness!)  But since we zapped everything and I had the mastectomy the oncologist feels that we have done well on getting rid of the cancer....hopefully for good!  I am petrified it will come back...not going to lie to you.  But I can't live my life scared to death of it, so I have to just put it out of my mind.  I am on the last home stretch and cannot wait to be done and live like a normal person....even though I was never really normal before.

NEW BOOBS!!!

I am happy to report that Dr. Awesome (my plastic surgeon) has scheduled my breast reconstruction surgery!  I will finally get this expander out that has been oh so uncomfortable.  Mike could fling pennies at it and they would probably torpedo back at him...maybe that is why I haven't let him do that at all.  Poor guy...I am such a fun hater.  Anyway, I will get my new saline implant on my right breast and he's going to spruce up the left breast a bit too since it was a little slow in healing due to the chemo.  They both should look spiffy afterwards!  So Sept 5th is the date....set your calendars. 

I have had some requests for before and after photos but I will refrain from posting those.  Unless Hugh Heffner wants to put a few million in my bank account....even then I am not so sure.  Here is a bit of TMI for you....if I want a nipple, I have to have it tatooed on....that could be my first tatoo.  And no I don't think I will be showing my tatoo to every Tom, Dick and Harry that asks about it...who knows though, maybe they will look so awesome a flash down at the river might be in order!!!

Palmer comes home!!!!

I am happy to report that my baby (11 year old baby) comes home today!!  After being gone 2 whole months visiting his dad and family in AL.  They will be in town right after lunch.  Today we are going to register him for Middle School....yes, I said Middle School.  He will be in 6th grade.  I remember my 6th grade year so well as we were the top dogs on the totem pole....the oldest of the Whitten Elementary back in the day.  We thought we were soooo cool....and I am sure some of us were!! HA!!  Palmer, unfortunately will be the youngest class at his Middle School (6th - 8th) but I know he cannot wait to go.  Thank goodness!  He starts football here in a few days and cannot wait for that either.  Thank goodness he has energy...now maybe it will rub off on me!!

This is Palmer and his grandaddy Wylie...they have stickers on their face....couple of goofballs!

Today marks the 4th week after chemo...so I am HOPING tomorrow I can feel completely poison-free!!!  We will see about that!  I am going to try to get a pedicure sometime soon....my toes look like something from the Flinstones right now...yuck!

3 weeks post chemo....so far so good!

It's been 3 weeks since my last chemo and I can report I am starting to feel better.  It's hard for me to believe that in 1 more week all of the chemo will be out of my system.  I know that I am hoping for this electric type shock that zaps me back into a normal pre-cancerous body.....but I know that won't happen, but I can at least wish for it!

I get more hair growth each day...sure it's only less than a mm at a time....but it's growing.  It really needs to fill in the bald spots on top....they are a bit choppy and it looks like I had ringworm in those spots...yuck!  But my sideburns are coming to the tops of my ears, and I can almost comb them....yes I said COMB them!  I have gone without scarves and hats a few times but with my glasses on I look like the singer Moby and I decided to wait for a bit more hair growth. 

So if you are just starting the process of a breast cancer diagnosis...please read this blog.  It really does get better...you CAN make it, and you WILL laugh and cry about yourself along the way.  On August 9th I will see both my plastic surgeon and my cancer doctor to see what is next for me.  I will probably schedule my breast implant surgery in the next few weeks, and the oncologist will let me know if I am good for another 3 months or not.  I am hoping I am!!  Then I am going to go get a pedicure cuz my feet are nasty!

My Life so far....without chemo

Well it hasn't quite been 2 weeks since I finished chemo.....my last one was July 5th, but I am noticing some improvement in some areas and then kind of  "withdrawl" like symptoms in other areas.  Who knew you could become addicted to chemo right???  That's why it's called a "drug" :)      My headaches have remarkably improved and I don't feel quite as yucky as I use to.  I still have the bad fatigue and muscle weakness, but hopefully that will get better with time.  I am still walking like an 80 year old woman!  No I take that back, 80 year olds walk faster than me!! LOL    I read that the recovery time takes about as long as the treatment time....so as I figure the time from diagnosis to end of treatment, that is 7 months.  So by next year I should be feeling better.  I am not a patient person so that seems endless, but at least I am not on chemo!!  I do get my surgery here in a few more weeks to take out the expander in my right breast and put in the implant. I can't wait to have NEW boobs!!!  Finally a perk (no pun intended)!

Ok, I promised a pic of myself at some point.  Here is my new hair growth.  Am I a true blonde??  (I think it's the light reflecting off the white/gray hairs.)

They let me FINISH chemo as of yesterday....!

I had 9 treatments total, and because I am feeling some numbness in my left hand (and I fell out of Mike's truck because I could not hold onto the handle with my numb hand....bruised A$$!) the doctor decided to stop my treatment yesterday and told me I am finished....just like that.  I was elated and frightened at the same time.  Elated cuz let's face it....NO MORE CHEMO.  But frightened and anxious because I only completed 9 treatments...we were suppose to do 12.....did we get it all??????  But the doctor tried to reassure me that 8 -12 treatments is what they consider a "full dose" so I am well within the limits to stop.  Plus I don't want a numb left hand for the rest of my life.  My typing would take a huge nose-dive.

Thank you to my friend Karen for driving me...we had a great time.  She reminded me of some of the stupid things I did when I was younger. I, of course did not remember some of them and had to laugh cuz I really was a little shit at times!!   

"Lash" Worthy.......

Since I barely have an eyelash on each eye, I have been using false eyelashes....cuz let's face it, Laurie without eyelashes is a little creepy!!  Not stylish at all!  But the false eyelashes are getting to be expensive.  I have been re-using them (by soaking them in eye make-up remover....yes, you are welcome for that little money saving tid-bit) but using them a 2nd or 3rd time even, I start to look like Tammy Faye, and I just don't want that.  So I have to make decisions on whether or not an event I am going to is "lash" worthy..which means putting on a pair of NEW false eyelashes so that I can look FABULOUS!  As far as work goes, while I love everyone there, it's just not lash worthy....my co-workers and my family have seen me at my worst so they could care less if I have eyelashes or not.  Going to the grocery store, not lash worthy since I don't have the wardrobe to support it (I wear sweats and a t-shirt to the grocery store). So I mainly save my lashes for holidays and special evening outings and of course shopping and chemo....cuz you never know who you are going to run into!!  Yes I wear my falseys to chemo.....if I look fabulous I feel fabulous...that is the key to getting through this whole thing!!!!

Taxol Chemo - Round 9

Only 3 more chemos to go!!  I am so excited.  I can see light at the end of the tunnel and I am starting to make PLANS again!!  That's a great feeling.  As I reflect on the past few months there have been some really bad days and some not so bad days and some pretty good days.  So I feel like it's been a long haul, but not a bad one.  Please find that as encouragement for anyone else just starting this journey...you can make it and be ok.  It gets really old at times...but you can do it!!

I am very anxious to get my strength and stamina back. I literally come up from downstairs in the basement and huff and puff dripping in sweat from carrying a laundry basket.....that is sooooo sad!  I have some MAJOR exercising to do if I am going to get back to a size that doesn't repulse me, so I certainly hope the complete fatigue gets better.  I am going to ask me doctor if he recommends any supplements.  He's a good drug pusher!! LOL -- just kidding!

A big thank you goes out to all my drivers that have taken me to chemo.  What a great help all of you are as I really don't think I can drive there and back by myself, especially not during this last chemo of Taxol....the Benadryl makes me too sleepy!  A big shout out goes to my mom and Al, Sandy Trampe, my hubby Mike, Dianna Haywood, my sister Christy Porter, Stacy Peden, Kristi Myers, Angie Klaver & Karen Hammers (who takes me next week and I cannot wait!!  too see her that is, not the chemo - I am not too excited about that, other than getting thru it!) 

Hope everyone had a safe 4th. I saw the fireworks and didn't swelter too badly. Hadley loved them!  Missing my son Palmer though, he will be home in less than a month!!  Yay!!

My hair is starting to grow back!

I have about 1 cm in hair growth....I know, I know....pretty soon I will look like a Beatle, maybe Ringo.....I can't wait to have hair back.  I know I will have to start with a pixy cut but I would love to quit wearing scarves, hats and wigs.  Especially since we have been having tropical, humid days this week....ughh!  The color of my hair is a white, gray, yellow, black.....like all my hair died and it's trying to come back to life....wait, that's EXACTLY what happened.  It still hasn't decided on a pigment yet, but I sure hope it doesn't choose gray!  Yikes!  I will have to spike it and get my hair colored brown and tips highlighted blonde....I will look like a dude...but I don't care!

Here is my baby at the pool....she's a cool bathing beauty!